This is a poem I just wrote today, and this is the first version of it, but I want to get it out here, somewhere that is it tangible so I know that I wrote something for the first time in a very long while.

i truly learned my mother knew best

when i was eighteen years old

and the hand of a boy five years

my senior slide up  my skirt

and i thought it was love.

i thought this was what

Aphrodite was 

praised for.

she said

that “the age gap was too much”

and i thought i knew better.

she was right

but it wasn’t his age that

marked the soil

of his adoration as ruined…

it was that to him i was

hera.

a goddess.

a missing figure.

a mother.

i had a bosom that held

what he was looking for.

a boy to be sure

barely past tear streaked cheeks

but he was in a body far past him

and twenty three candles

marked the cake

where there should have

only been six.

i was the one who was his senior

but i suppose that’s

how it goes when you thrive on

being needed.

i listened to his words of adoration

and the hard and fast nature of his love

and when he was done i let him walk

and i quickly learned

the tears i shed weren’t for lost love

but a blow to the pride

because after all

my mother knew best.

9:04 P.M. 4/9/15

So, I suppose it's been nearly two months since I've posted on here, which means my news years revolution is out the window but I suppose in the grand scheme of things, that isn't the worst things that could happen. To be honest, I want this to feel more like something that I get to do for me versus something that I feel like I have to do.

I feel like lately I've been a whirlwind of emotions, and that my meds aren't doing as much as they used to. I worry now that I might need to up the dosage even though most of the time I am not as down on myself as I used to be. I worry that I might be developing the same bipolarity as my father. ( I don't use that as a descriptor word, my dad is diagnosed bipolar and I've noticed that as I grow up, my disposition and fluctuation of mood greatly mirrors his.)

This honestly scares the shit out of me.

If you asked my mom, I think she would say that I seem mostly better.

If you were to ask Taylor (and he actually be open about it) he'd probably say my moods are all over the place. I cry nearly every time I am with him and then my mood will fluctuate back to seemingly joyous and happy.

I can feel the toll that this is taking on me but I worry my pride stands so much in the way of my ability to talk out about how I am struggling.

This isn't the only thing I've been struggling with though.

Although I feel more confident in my sense of self, there are parts of me that I don't know how to put a name to. Particularly my gender. It's funny almost, because the community says that gender possibilities are infinite, but I feel like there is still a box, still a mold I have to fit into. I feel wrong because I don't know how to characterize myself. I know I don't fully feel like a girl but I don't feel like a boy but I don't know where I am and all I can say is myself but I don't feel like it's enough.

And then there's the writing, which I don't feel like I've been doing enough of lately, but I wrote a poem earlier and I feel like a little of the weight there has been lifted off of my shoulders.

I don't know. Things are a jumble right now, but I know I can get through this. I have to.

1:47 P.M. 2/10/15

I look at myself and I think that I'm not enough.

More often than not I find I am comparing myself to those around me who am I close to, who I don't know, who I wish I did... I find so many little things wrong with myself and every time I look at someone I notice what they have that I don't.

The thing is though, I don't begrudge them that. I applaud when people are capable of doing things they strive for and I am happy for the skills that others feel they can express and exude but I do notice when I don't measure up.

I find myself envious of some of my closest friends, especially those I think are similar to me. There are some individuals who have skills that reflect mine but when I look at them I notice how much better they are than me in those fields. In writing, in beauty, in style, in life, in any capacity... I don't think I measure up and more often than not it makes me wonder why I try because their they are and they have more skill than I do so who am I to continue to try to work on those things?

This envy of my friends and loved ones is probably the greatest thing I dislike about myself, because it only furthers to keep me from living my life for myself and connecting to people. Of course I want my friends to succeed, I just wish I felt that I could succeed too, and I don't.

3:05 P.M. 1/29/15

"An attitude that you take on. A perspective." - D.P.

I've found a type of writing I think that really has struck me above all else. While I have yet to truly read any works that fall into this category, something about it seems to call out to me and makes me wonder what more it is that I can draw from the world and in what ways I can begin to connect to the world on a more 'magical' level. I mean, the thing about it is that it isn't really trying to make the world something that it isn't, bubt it is trying to draw from it something new that someone wouldn't normally look for and what wouldn't be considered normal by society and it's so interesting because it allows for this new interpretation of life.

While it isn't exactly something that can be perfectly interpreted as real, but it draws from things we known and understand and challlenges them (at least, that's what I have gathered from it so far.) I'm trying to imagine more things in life like this, that draw from this idea and challenge how we view the world.
Imagine video games like this that draw from this idea of magical realism.

"Our way of being is disrupted by magical realistic text." - D.P.

Have you ever had a moment when you feel like you've found something that has struck your being and you think about it in a spiritual way and it just... It feels right for your being. (Which I know sounds pretentious, but this idea and this concept just feels like an idea I have searched for, this enhanced understanding of all the things that I valie and pull from and ah, it just makes so much sense.) It's the idea that allows one to pull from every piece of life and elevate them to this level of equality that allows you to take in everything.

3:23 P.M.
This is a little off topic but the anti-biotics I am on definitely make me feel like I am slightly intoxicated, which I can describe as a feeling I now know thanks to the other night.

Okay, back on track.

Even though it draws for the supernatural, it is normal and awe-inspiring and people accept it and look at it in a different way. (Could Legend of Korra be considered magical realism? Part of me wonders if there are things I can look at now and start to interperete in different ways...)
While I've just started this course, I am so interested in continue my journey in and continuing to learn what it is. While I may not be great in my definitely yet, I am so intrigued by this topic and concept that I can't wait to increase my understanding of it.

"It is a we, a collective thing, not just about the self." - D.P.

As we get closer and closer to the end of the month, I think it's time I take a moment to evaluate which of the goals I am working towards and what I am thankful for at this point in time.

Currently, I think I am doing a decent at job at posting here. While I may not be doing it every day, I think about it frequently and want to post more so I'm hopeful that the more I think about it, the more I will bring myself to post.

A negative is that I haven't really worked on my bullet journaling, which is something I really wanted to get into. As a result of this, I haven't done the best job of keeping track of my activities and making sure that I get the things done that I need to. February is a new month though and I am hopeful that I can re-visit this goal once the month starts.

Another positive is that I am now keeping a food journal so that I can keep track of how much money I spend at my school on food per day. Also, I just want to know what I put in my body so that I can be more conscientious about it.

Negative, I have yet to start writing letters and I really need to do that.

Positive, things with Taylor are going extremely well and I feel that our relationship really pushes me to be a better person. I feel more at ease with myself and more comfortable in my own skin and he has helped me realize that it really is okay to not be my best 100% of the time, as long as I still strive for myself. (Mostly it's just a lot of positive energy, which is something that I really feel like I need in my life and I am just so thankful for all of the goodness here.)

Another positive relating to him, is that I have begun to develop a really great relationship with his mom, which is something I find really important. In my last relationship, I didn't connect with the persons family and considering how family oriented I am, it left me feeling really isolated and awkward. That having been the case, it's helping me to really appreciate the relationship his mom and I are building, and just the relationship with his family in general. While I sometimes still feel a little awkward, it's been really great to have someone there as another parental figure who tackles things from a different perspective and who I feel like I can really relate to.

Negative, my headaches have been through the roof and my medication seems to be getting less and less effective, which is not promising for my future and for school this semester.

So, that is currently what the major negatives and positives look like for me and my goals, but I am hoping that the start of a new month will encourage me to work on those more. Also, while today started off really poorly (I missed my first day of classes and wasn't able to take care of any of the things I needed to) I have managed to turn my day around with the help of important people in my life and I feel like that's an important thing for me, considering in the past I have managed to let my frustrations hold me down for days. So, I'm hopeful that this is a step in the right direction and I can keep this kind of mindset up.

Saturday night, I got drunk for the first time.

It wasn't the kind of drunk that leaves you feeling fun and giggly for the rest of the night because lets face it, I'm the kind of person who seems to be into the whole 'go big or go home' thing.

No, I got so drunk, that I can't remember nearly anything from the evening. I mean, I remember everything up to the end of the first Harry Potter movie (our entertainment of choice), but after that it's just bits and pieces.

Taking shots.

Another friend briefly coming over.

Calling Taylor.

Crying.

Calling Taylor.

Waking up in the middle of the night...

Those are the main things that stick out in my mind when I try to think about the night and, as much as I've joked about it over the last few days, it's one of the most frightening things I feel that I've experienced.

I know that drinking can do this to people but it feels so... disorienting to me, especially with my background with head injuries and I mean, I already have a problem with memory and now to have a whole blank space in what I know and remember makes my chest tight and the whole world seems to get a little too big.

It isn't that I don't trust who I was with either, because I was with one of my closest friends and I'm so grateful because otherwise I probably would be a lot more freaked out than I am.

I'm just really grateful in general for the fact that I was able to pick the situation, the person I was with, and just all of the things that I can control. If it weren't for those things, I don't know if I would be able to trust myself to do something like this again in the near future.

But, the whole experience definitely isn't what I had intended for the evening, and it's scary to think that I have no idea what I really did during that time, especially when the things I hear seem so foreign and disconnected from who I feel like I am.

I sincerely hope this doesn't happen again, because I don't know how I'll handle it next time if it does.