9:04 P.M. 4/9/15

I feel like lately I've been a whirlwind of emotions, and that my meds aren't doing as much as they used to. I worry now that I might need to up the dosage even though most of the time I am not as down on myself as I used to be. I worry that I might be developing the same bipolarity as my father. ( I don't use that as a descriptor word, my dad is diagnosed bipolar and I've noticed that as I grow up, my disposition and fluctuation of mood greatly mirrors his.)

This honestly scares the shit out of me.

If you asked my mom, I think she would say that I seem mostly better.

If you were to ask Taylor (and he actually be open about it) he'd probably say my moods are all over the place. I cry nearly every time I am with him and then my mood will fluctuate back to seemingly joyous and happy.

I can feel the toll that this is taking on me but I worry my pride stands so much in the way of my ability to talk out about how I am struggling.

This isn't the only thing I've been struggling with though.

Although I feel more confident in my sense of self, there are parts of me that I don't know how to put a name to. Particularly my gender. It's funny almost, because the community says that gender possibilities are infinite, but I feel like there is still a box, still a mold I have to fit into. I feel wrong because I don't know how to characterize myself. I know I don't fully feel like a girl but I don't feel like a boy but I don't know where I am and all I can say is myself but I don't feel like it's enough.

And then there's the writing, which I don't feel like I've been doing enough of lately, but I wrote a poem earlier and I feel like a little of the weight there has been lifted off of my shoulders.

I don't know. Things are a jumble right now, but I know I can get through this. I have to.