Saturday night, I got drunk for the first time.

It wasn't the kind of drunk that leaves you feeling fun and giggly for the rest of the night because lets face it, I'm the kind of person who seems to be into the whole 'go big or go home' thing.

No, I got so drunk, that I can't remember nearly anything from the evening. I mean, I remember everything up to the end of the first Harry Potter movie (our entertainment of choice), but after that it's just bits and pieces.

Taking shots.

Another friend briefly coming over.

Calling Taylor.

Crying.

Calling Taylor.

Waking up in the middle of the night...

Those are the main things that stick out in my mind when I try to think about the night and, as much as I've joked about it over the last few days, it's one of the most frightening things I feel that I've experienced.

I know that drinking can do this to people but it feels so... disorienting to me, especially with my background with head injuries and I mean, I already have a problem with memory and now to have a whole blank space in what I know and remember makes my chest tight and the whole world seems to get a little too big.

It isn't that I don't trust who I was with either, because I was with one of my closest friends and I'm so grateful because otherwise I probably would be a lot more freaked out than I am.

I'm just really grateful in general for the fact that I was able to pick the situation, the person I was with, and just all of the things that I can control. If it weren't for those things, I don't know if I would be able to trust myself to do something like this again in the near future.

But, the whole experience definitely isn't what I had intended for the evening, and it's scary to think that I have no idea what I really did during that time, especially when the things I hear seem so foreign and disconnected from who I feel like I am.

I sincerely hope this doesn't happen again, because I don't know how I'll handle it next time if it does.